teacher's day celebration today and in 39 mins will be my mum's birthday. just came back from Zav's place BBQ-ing. the food was really good. the steaks like just rocked. had a good time.

teacher's day celebrations in VJ really impressed me. the whole staff like did a musical called a torrid affair for us. i think the highlight was definitely Mr Ho riding his motorbike onto stage. it was so beautiful. all red and black and silver. and Edna Tan was like this dominatrix. VJ rocks lah.

okay, enough VJ praising. went back to SN and met YY, nette, blah blah whomever i was supposed to meet. and realized how much i missed the Sec 4 guides. and my friends.

----something irritated me, it really did. but i guess it's okay because in life, there always is ups and downs. and i shouldn't get too freaked out over it or too irritated because it isn't good for my health or the mental health of the people around me. i'm just going to let it go. no point killing anyone over it.

outta here

have declared that this weekend is the officially slacking off weekend for me.

on saturday, i got like 4 birthday presents! thanks guys. i got the "guns and roses" cd from alot of people of whom TQ has yet to gimme the card for so i can't thank everyone personally yet. plus this really nice 4 leaf clover necklace. it was so pretty! :) then, Benita and technically, Dorothy, got me this necklace from perlini's that had a heart for a pendent. then, i got myself a new wallet as my fourth birthday present of the day.

promos coming closer, somehow it's worrying but not as worrying as to make me start studying. oh well.

bunnies hoping up and down
butterflies flying around and around
a rainbow hangs in the sky
a most beautiful day, that you can't deny

there. my hopping bunnies and butterflies. yeah, guess not worrying too much about stuff makes me feel relax. of course depressing stuff still linger on in my mind, but i guess i'll change my outlook on life for these few days and say that as long as you see the silver lining in the grey clouds, life really doesn't suck as much as i think it does. bear in mind it's just for a few days. when the stress returns... there's no telling what my mood will be like.

well done, Christine. well done.

i love seeing my life flash before my eyes.
i love seeing the blankness and lack of vitality that goes into my everyday life.
i love seeing how bleak my future seems to be.

perhaps that's because i choose to see it that way.

when i look back at this year, yes, i must admit that JC is something that aint that bad and stuff like that. but somehow i can't seem to control my emotions as much this year. it's been more than half a year of tearful outbursts and screams, or sudden silent depressive moods that seem to seep into the atmosphere of the house and contaminate everything by making everyone feel the same way as i do. why? because i desperately want to prove to myself that i'm not a screwup but having extremely high expectations that i know i can't meet because right up until now, i've yet to begin studying for promos.

what kind of person am i?

if failure is written in my future, i won't be surprised. yeah, i know. maybe i should just cut myself some slack and enjoy life. yes, i will. yes, i'm doing that now. i've decided to slack for the weekend, doing all the homework that i'm supposed to hand up next week and plan my study timetable. since i've finished that italy-germany comparison question, life doesn't seem so stressed. that question was no joke trying to crap up points. i think i've screwed it up anyway but it aint important to me at this point.

but i'm constantly afraid of failure. and logically speaking, a person who possesses that much fear of failure as i do should by right do their darn hardest to ensure that scenerio never comes about. unfortunately, logic doesn't seem to apply much.

if i gave off an impression that i'm hardworking, i'm not. i just need to work harder than people cos i'm not as smart.
if i gave off an impression that i'm moody all the time, i'm not. just... like being like that?
if i gave off an impression that i'm extremely outspoken, i'm not. i just like talking at times. :P
if i gave off an impression that i'm childish, i'm not. i understand there's a time and place for everything.

i'm not hyper happy nor am i downright depressed.
i just have a huge ego that needs to be constantly reassured.
i also like to think that i have a way with words. (did anyone notice all the double letters?)
i also think i talk a lot of nonsense.
i also think there's alot of me that people should get to know before passing total judgement.

i love the way you look
i love the way you smile
i love the way you walk
i love everything about you
and because i do
life somehow seems to be much more beautiful

i think that bit up there's just sweet. but doesn't mean i write that means i believe it or feel it. i think i'm in love with words because they're just fantastic! words... when used, can bring a smile to a face or a tear to the eye. oh, the power of words. (going off the bend a little here). okay, i guess i can apply that above whatever you call it to all my friends because i really feel happy when i'm with you guys... and i love everything about you.

i've accepted what i've been given in life, but that doesn't mean that i've given up. (is this a paradox?) i wonder if i actually like feeling depressed. maybe it gives me some sort of purpose in life. what BS. maybe it's true. maschotic.

Singapore Idol last night wasn't bad. i'll go so far as to say that i was pleasantly surprised. there is talent. think Olinda and Benjamin were good. too bad he didn't get in. i thought he was really really cute. *dotz*

i was filled with the realization today that the world is indeed filled with bitches and fuckers. these people totally destroy whatever miniscule faith that i have in humanity. one day plants will certainly rule this earth because humans are too incompetent and filled with selfish desires to fulfil their earthly function. yaya, you say, why so cynical? why so generalizing? because it's true!

i'm not so narrow minded as to argue that there ISN'T a single soul that can think of others other than themselves, because there ARE such people. it's just increasingly hard to find them! people start making excuses the minute they find work dumped onto their shoulders and make seeming assumptions that "oh, i can't do it so it's now up to you to finish what i ought to have done in the first place!" it's as if we're expected to on the spur of the moment accomodate them because they can't cope!

does it seem as if i can cope as well? we're all struggling here trying to make the best out of any situation. so please, think about others before you think about the "I" word. it's overused. don't expect me to always try to bail you out of a particular onerous situation. i have my own problems too. i'm trying to cope as well!

frankly, i didn't write this entry with this meaning that i don't want to do ANY form of work at all. i merely wish to inform people that "spare a freaking thought for those who have to rush and do shit because you conveniently decided to dump everything on them" i'm annoyed because i've had a bad day, came home and fell asleep because i was too conked out, woke up to see history notes staring me in my face and some asshole telling me i'm not working to my fullest potential and should do more work. damnit i don't need this kind of shit first thing when i wake up. that condescending tone was enough to make my hands curl into fists. but i'm not that violent to really throw a punch. i haven't done that in years.

i feel like a rubber band about to snap. perhaps when my work is done, i won't feel that way. well, it won't be any time soon that's for sure.

stupid bitches acting bimbotic is another way to really make my day shine. with your giggles and blank vapid faces. i don't see files, i don't see books in your bags. i see makeup. know how i know? this stupid girl was applying makeup on her face on the bus home (probably going to Geylang later on) and the bus swerved and she threw the compact full of powder on me. and she went, "oh no! where did it go?" on my hair, that's where! and her friends just sat there and laughed. but they stopped the minute they saw that sneer on my face. bitches.

please also learn the definition of being a bitch and bitching. i'm not a bitch but i'm definitely bitching now.

as if i hadn't had a bad enough day.
as if i hadn't had a bad enough week.
as if i hadn't had a bad enough month.
as if i hadn't had a bad enough life.

the need to curl up and just stay there remains.
the need to fade into the universe still remains.
the need to slide into nothingness stays firmly in place.
the need to just forget lingers on.

my brain just loves making me regret and unable to forget.

Li Jia Wei didn't get the bronze. but somehow i feel that the journalist who wrote today's article "S'pore, let's rally around Jiawei" was right. as long as we rallied around her, no matter what the outcome, she couldn't lose. because what she lost was material, what we gained as Singaporeans was a sense of pride, hope... and a bond of what being a Singaporean is all about. true, it was sad, but who says all hope is lost? felt so proud of what she achieved.

on a more depressing note (no bunnies yet)... my dreams are getting more and more freaky.

i was holding a pane of glass.
just a blank piece of glass.
then lines appeared on it, outlining a picture in black.
colours filled it... slowly... day by day.
just when it was about to be completed, the wind blew
and it flew out of my hands
shattering on the floor.
just a mass of coloured glass.

stupid really. the picture was so pretty. but it doesn't exist anymore. it's just broken glass. i feel like broken glass... and there's no way of repairing it. yes, it could be patched up but the cracks where it fell apart will still be there. it'll never be the way it was. repaired yet still broken. patched up but still cracked.

i hate where all these images are coming from. i remember them with such clarity that it shocks me. something bad always happens. i don't want to have these images anymore. but i can't forget them. i can't forget why i was so unhappy before i left for national camp. it slaps me in the face every day.

nothing goes right for me. the effort i put in doesn't pay off. why do we live in such an unfair world? fair-unfair... they're just words used to define something. good-bad... who dictates what it is? how do we know that we're doing the "right" thing?

that's why the future is never meant for us to catch a glimpse of. because when we look at things to come, people either accept them or try to change them. the future may not be set in stone but it's there. what will come... we should let it come. but not to the extent of blindly accepting our fate. our actions determine our future and that's the way we should look at fate. our actions. our thoughts. our words. they make the future what is.

philosophy aside, the feelings of depression, of a sense of hopelessness remain. tears form but never flow. the situation is such as it is and what is, is hard to change. i feel so disappointed in myself. there's always a price to pay for being happy in the first place. disappointment. that's the main thing. disappointment. i'm tired of trying to forget this, i'm tired of hiding my feelings away.

i wish i could just disappear
i wish i could throw away my fears

why am i making this so hard for myself?

i was walking along the beach, admiring the sights... the sounds... and relaxing...
there was nothing on my mind.
absolutely nothing because the beauty that surronded me eclipsed everything else.
i was at peace.
with the world. with myself.

all of a sudden the winds picked up.
i couldn't see the sun anymore because my hair was whipped up by the wind.
i struggled to see the light.
when i managed to get my hair out of my face, the sun has disappeared behind the dark clouds.
and within moments, i was splattered by rain.
it came down lightly, then in torrents.

the sun was gone.
and i just stood there in the pouring rain.
saying nothing. doing nothing. i didn't even run.

another day, another image. these images plague me. because i'm struggling to make sense of what they mean. of what point/ incident in my life that they represent. these are not images of a deranged mind but dreams that i remember when i wake up.

for this dream, i woke up with my face wet with tears. i really thought it had rained and i had forgotten to close my window. i'm not sure why i didn't run. could it be that i was too weak to do anything? and the tears... were they invoked by a sad memory... happy, then sad, then... hopeless? or stagnant? does it symbolise my life now? i don't like to think about images and what they could represent but somehow it just fascinates me that these images have some form of meaning.

regret doesn't sit well with me at all.

(rereading my march/april/august entries. somehow i know that what happened in march/april was already a foreshadowing of the things to come (drama!!!)) go and reread again if anyone's bored. some entries are really thought provoking

oh, the lecture on plath during lit on friday. she wrote about stuff that sounds similar to mine. i'm a genius. Eldon said i wrote depressing stuff. sorry. will write about hopping bunnies and sunny sunflowers sometime in the near future. haha

watched the semi finals of the olympics table tennis. i think Li Jia Wei played well. i mean, look at one game, 11-0... that was fantastic. felt quite sad for her that she didn't manage to get into the finals and try for the gold but she still has the 2008 games. plus, doesn't mean she's out for the bronze. you never know. still, was proud that she did so well and came so far... was quite an achievement for her i believe.

winners never quit and quitters never win.

ironic that sometimes i just want to quit.

i have a history comparision question due plus an econs outline that i didn't go for lecture for so i have no idea how to do either one anyway. goody.

oh, LJW is really quite pretty. was looking at her and thought that her calmness protrayed throughout the match was commendable. she really deserves to win the bronze at this rate. her skills quite good.

met Nat yesterday and we sat at coffee bean drinking coffee and talking rot. haven't seen her in 10 years but it made no difference. it was way cool because we found stuff to talk about and it didn't seem weird at all. she looks a little different but other than that, (and the maturing thing cos i also did that) it was just amazing.

the only sad thing is that i'm going to lose her again next week when she leaves for UK.

can't believe she searched 7 pages of christines in friendster to look for me. somehow i was always sad that we never continued our friendship but when one leaves for hong kong... a decade ago the internet wasn't really that advanced ya know? just very touched and very blessed to have her as a friend.

my nim garden friend. oh well... will be meeting her again tomorrow.

i'm missing my SN friends more and more too. not that the ones in VJ ain't missable. i love you people! and that's why i'm a good friend. because i'll always be there for you.

btw, i definitely need a new wallet now. no more delaying.

and across me stretched a barren wasteland.
nothing grows there, nothing flourishes.
because the spring that used to flow dried up.
the sun was there to mercilessly scorch the already wasted earth.
the rains did not fall.
and there was nothing that could be done to help that piece of land.

it merely lay there, a testimont to the troubles of my life.

it symboled my life.

i wonder if there's some sort of finality.
is there finality in life at all?
or is it just a neverending circle?

while the world revolves around me,
everything and nothing changes.

someone should get me off the computer and into my room to do that chaucer essay. i know i'll live to regret it if i don't do something about it today. does it look like i'll do work on a sunday? i'm worried that my days have been reduced to doing homework and not having a life. when's the last time i really put aside everything and just chilled? can't remember. has it really been that long? suppose so. even when i was out with my friends, i couldn't set aside that nagging feeling of undone homework left to rot. it wasn't the lousy company, it was I being lousy company.

i feel as though i have a "homework rules my life" sign written in blood on my forehead. come on, life is short, it's meant to be lived with meaning and purpose. when i'm dead people will probably say "she did her homework". okay, there's nothing bad about doing homework and not having to panic at the last minute (i think Jian Yong will beg to differ) but i just feel like i've forgotten to enjoy life.

i just told my cousin to don't sweat the small stuff. so why am i so freaking worried about homework? of all things to worry about. perhaps it's meant to worry me, so that i won't be worrying about the other things that creep up on me in the dark of the night. or in the bright morning sun. whatever.

perhaps i should stop doing my homework. it's a filthy habit, the doing of homework.

homework be damned. i shall not do my chaucer tonight! *waves fist in the air*

oh wow. that felt good. (note the sarcasm)

i really need to get out of here and have a life. a fun one. one that doesn't scream homework.

actually, why am i even talking about homework? i'm sure i have better things to talk about.

and i was wrong. i do have a life. it's just currently misplaced.

my television calls.

argh. i just came home from th e hairdresser. and my hair has been butchered. freaking short la! can my hair grow back in a day's time? it looks pretty terrible. i think i'll hafta use gel or something on monday or it'll stick up. ewww...

okay, i shall blog more about camp. Quek, Wei Min, and Seo Hoon... 3 people whom i was constantly with these 4 days. i'm surprised i didn't go mad. haha. but it was really really fun with them around. hmm... outdoor cooking was quite fun... with Quek making her bread twist all the time. but she's quite pro at it now i suppose. she kept on making them and cooking them. too bad my banana bread thing didn't turn out too well. too much banana and not enough chocolate. soggy. wah, going camping with Mr Mail is really nice, all the food he cooked. that roasted chicken and the scrambled eggs... and Wei Min even made mocha. i think i only know how to eat.

too bad cannot go and kayak! Quek was going green. i wanted to do the jetty jump! the jetty was really nice, can feel the breeze. now i appreciate my aircon. at night so hot then wake up in the morning so cold. all in all, quite fun. especially since i got to miss school. but now i think i'll have to make the effort to catch up. DON'T WANNA! i just finished my decline and fall essay and i really hafta start my chaucer one. BUT DON'T WANNA! i will only talk crap.

oh, and i didn't expect my parents to really celebrate my birthday. but my dad brought home durian cake from angie's choice. super nice. but he couldn't remember how old i am. he was like :"er... 17 or 18. " *sweatdrop*

ah, i was feeling way annoyed just now... but now... not so i guess. after a nice long sleep and food, i pretty much calmed down. (shall not go into details of what made me so pissed cept that it doesn't mean you're smart if you're in a profession or course that's classified as smart)

thanks to all those that SMS-ed me wishing me a happy birthday... it was really sweet.

guess i wanna highlight Yue Yiao's SMS. haha, she messaged me on thursday telling me that she'll treat me to the chocolate buffet at fullerton. that was really sweet. i really miss her lots. pootie. i miss Sonya and Nette too. actually i just miss people. hee.

i think my juniors somehow managed to cure me outta my depressive mood. Feng Ru called me to sing the birthday song to me. i think she called 3 times. either that or it was with someone else using her phone to sing it with her. maybe Rong. wasn't very sure. but it was funny. and touching. aiyo, call so many times and i was half awake. i might have growled into the phone but i'm not sure. hee. thanks guys. you're the ones that make life worth living.

just a simple I Love You could make my day.

oh my god. just received 5 sms-es... it was damn cool.

Happy- Tze Qi
Birthday- Claire
To- Jian Yong
You- Hwee Min
Christine !- Keith

How cool is that? You guys totally rock my world.

Happy Birthday to me. whee.

camp was much better than i expected at any rate. NPCC campsite at Pulau Ubin is freaking huge and nice. Slept in the dorms so didn't have to bring sleeping bag at all. Spent the time either a) Outdoor cooking b) Stoning. Should have brought some work to do. actually was going to conk out at around 8-9 plus. can you imagine? that's how tired i was. lousy.

Okay, back to my shitty life. Once the camp is over, i'll be stuck alone at home thinking about crappified shit. all the shit. wah lao. i think i haven't cursed in a very long time already. i know it's vulgur but right now i'm not sure if i'm feeling tired, annoyed or whatever.

and this is on my birthday somemore.

don't even know why i'm feeling so annoyed. maybe i'm just tired la.

oh, just to add. even though i was stuck at Pulau Ubin, i still heard the handover over the radio. think that lee hsien loong's speech was quite touching and meaningful. i do believe there will be a slight change in the leadership styles... i don't need to feel worried about singapore because i believe in the government's capabilities.

someone do something to make me have a better birthday. ooh look, i forgot. friday the 13th what did you expect?

basically, just wanna recap my fri.

guides farewell. national day celebrations. guides farewell was bitter sweet as all farewells are. when i heard all the speeches, i was quite touched. especially those whom i've really watched grow all the way from sec 1 to sec 4. promotion was done as well and i'd like to just wish all the new leaders all the best. especially to the new CL, Tong Tong, may you work well with the company. was disappointed that my sister didn't get promoted but i know that Hannah will do a good job. and the good thing is that no one switched patrols and my sister is okay with it... so... liddat lor. hope Jolene will do Mynah proud as well.

anyway, i know it's not good to keep on feeling depressed and sad about things and facts that can't be changed. but i really can't help it. it didn't help that my mum told me something at the wrong time today. it's enough that i was feeling depressed but she just had to highlight something that made me feel all the more inferior. Quek's right in saying that even though you've said sorry, the hurt will still be there. and i really couldn't believe my mum of all people would tell me that. well done, mum. well done. actually, i couldn't help feeling that if she had said that at another time, i would have laughed it off. but not now.

not when i'm painfully aware of myself and everyone around me.

i try to stop thinking about it. and i don't even know why it's making me so sad. perhaps it's because there's really no hope now. and because i spent so much time thinking about it. and now... it really is nothing.

i want you to hold me in your arms
tell me things will be okay
knowing that you'll always be there for me
but i know it'll never be that way

because when i look
you're no longer there
i'm left alone
there's only empty stares

just screw life. i really find no enjoyment in things i used to like. when i think of what happened, somehow all the stuff that i wasn't happy with that i've managed to suppressed all come rushing back in a torrent of memories. i've really tried not to think about it, but at moments when you're alone or allow your mind to wander, i feel the hurt and the sadness again.

somehow this situation makes me more aware of my shortcomings. coupled with everything that's disappointed me in the past, i'm finding it hard to move on. it scares me the way i'm feeling because i never dreamt that i would feel this way. i never thought it'll hit me so hard. but it has.

i laugh on the outside so you can't see me crying inside.

I know myself. I know how I believe that life should be enjoyed and unhappy things not to be dwelled on. I realised that a) i really talk a lot of crap that i don't really believe in b) i'm being over dramatic again

somehow it doesn't seem like it's option B. the rational part of me is telling myself to get a grip and just suck it up. the confused / self depressive side of me is willing to wallow in that self pity that i hate but find necessary in everyday life. it really is easier to say "move on you git" than actually do it. berating myself doesn't help either.

guess time will tell. perhaps time really does heal all wounds.

but other than that, i'm just tired of everything.

i once said that i was tired of trying.
haha, there IS no trying anymore.
even if i wanted to try, i can't.
the situation doesn't give me room to do that.

now i'm just tired.

my birthday is coming soon.
i already know my birthday wish.

too bad it's a wish and one that i know is impossible to come true.

friday 13ths have always been lucky for me. i think my birthday offsets the bad luck. somehow it doesn't work the same way for other people. there've been 2 friday the 13ths this yr. one in feb and one in aug. i still remember the feb one cos we celebrated v day early on that day. the aug one? i don't know how it'll turn out. cept one thing's clear.

my wish will NEVER come true.

i'm still feeling all fucked up. tried to read the wage theory notes but nothing went in. tried to clean my room but couldn't concerntrate. everything keeps on blurring and merging together in a myriad of colours. i just sit there and stone.

steady. mature. i'm not sure i see it. perhaps it really is for the best. key word is "not sure". should i look harder or just try to run away? i can't see a solution. looking harder will only make things worse.

fuck this.

and you seriously don't want to know how tempted i was to just do something.
to use that as an escape.
i'm just sitting here and knowing that i could have makes me feel worse.
because i really want to sink into obliviation.

i think i'm slowly adjusting to the idea. somehow when presented with the knowledge of what i had never wanted to discover, it hurt certainly, but not as much as i thought it would. because gradually over time, my expectations were lowered and i never expected anymore than what i was given.

i wonder if i'm getting over it.

i doubt so. at first there was anger, now it's just hurt. somehow my sight is getting blurry.

horrors. i can feel the tears welling up in my eyes.

i really don't think i can get through this. i was wrong. i'm not adjusting to the idea. not at all. i just want to curl up into a ball and hope that the world forgets i'm there. i don't even know how i got myself into that kind of stupid pointless situation even.

i also think i should try to forget about this, because there are other more pressing issues i have to deal with. like the incomprehensibility of wage theory and the stupid econs essay i have to write as well as the 2 lit essays. fuck this. really just fuck this. i think i can't concertrate properly because i'm just feeling the disappointment and the anger. and that sucks because you can't feel both emotions at the same time.

i think i might do something i'll regret.

just trying to bury my disappointment in something else.

i hate life. i hate it so much. everything that i've tried to do didn't turn out the way i wanted it to. what does really? nothing. there's a towering black cloud hanging over my head. i try to explain away what i know, but haha, there really is no mistaking it. i guess i know what that means. perhaps it's for the better.

as if.

my shattered dreams are just a figment of my imagination now.
something that's just blowing in the wind.

i'm stressed. and i've come to realize certain things. it's really time for me to start worrying about myself and not so much about the problems of other people. i can listen to their problems but i shouldn't make it like something that will dramatically affect me. okay, perhaps that comes out sounding like i don't give a damn about the problems other people have, but it's not what i mean. problems are there for people to learn, for people to get through them and come out stronger, i can advise, i can help, but ultimately i shouldn't be so affected by them. guess that tuesday night was a learning experience for both me and my sister. somehow i've come to respect her more and i know now that i don't have to constantly look out for her. somehow her attitude was such that i knew she would get through it. and i'm proud of her for that.

also learnt stuff and just did a general evaluation. sorry if i acted a little immature in the past. yes, it's human nature to act that way sometimes, but i do feel that i've been in moods more often this year. i believe JC is more stressful. somehow there's more self awareness this year as compared to secondary school. yes, it's okay to act a little immature and spoilt and whine on and on like i'm doing now, but there must be some sort of balance.

i never said that i won't stop having moods.
i said i'll consider the feelings of people. and not lash out at innocent bystanders.
contrary to my popular belief, the world does not revolve around me.
it's just that i find it a little hard to believe that. haha

but i have a lot of things to do before i leave for national camp. the homework's piling up. and history essays are killer. got to do a comparative study of the unification of Germany and Italy. was feeling annoyed that i got picked to do it, along with 3 others. felt that Ms Edna Tan was picking on me. dunno why for 3 essays she's asked me to do the harder questions. but after that she explained that she wanted me to stretch my potential so it's okay now i guess. i guess as long as i put in the effort and work harder... liddat lor. i should stop complaining about this.

aiyar, stupid PW. going to kill someone already. gah, still got some stuff to do for guides farewell tmr. blog more when i have more time.

okay, let's do a wrap up of what happened on saturday.

went for meeting at HQ and realized that there will be only (most prob la) 4 YAs going for the national camp as helpers. okay, fine. then ate at Pastamania for lunch. came to SN and could stlil feel the pasta churning about in my stomach. have a feeling that it was the start of a real food binge for me.

i wasn't wrong.

anyway, enough about food. yup, when Quek, Wei Min, and i reached SN, the most probable place we ended up in was at the home econs room helping the refreshment committee. really wanted to eat the jelly. too bad that by the time we got up from the field, there was no refreshments left. watched the Sec 4s practice their dance. then changed into YA uniform at around 6.15. saw the seniors and my own batch people come back. then had to walk out of SN to go and find Eileen and Sharon. guess what those cuckoos did? they took the wrong bus, and i had to go get them in my court shoes. pain! pain! haha.

they were quite impressed with the gateway and backdrop. and the fact that there was a PA crew helping us. i must admit that the gateway was quite an original idea and was quite cool la. i think Kaifong and the gateway committee did a good job. and the backdrop? i think it's come a long way since i've been in charge of that committee. yay for them as well. MCs were not bad considering that it was their first time doing such an event. overall, if there was feelings of the campfire not being a good one, i think people should take into consideration that this took only 3 months of preparation instead of the usual 6-8 months. i think that expectations should not be as high if you actually go to other campfires from other schools. it's around the same. not that i'm criticizing my batch or any seniors and i'm not saying that the previous campfires organized were lousy, but i think that the standard was around the same. why say that the campfire was screwed up and point out the bad points when you should appreciate the good points? even cresent YAs (that's my 2 good friends) were pretty impressed. as long as you enjoy yourself, then it's fine. i know I enjoyed myself.

it's pretty much a pyschological thing.

but after it, i was just tired in general. like i'm feeling now. and during evaluation, there was some stuff and i broke down and cried in the den. (that was after all the YAs had left) then i went back to the specstand for evaluation. but for some reason as if i hadn't cried enough, i started to cry again. really hoped that no one saw me. but after that, i think it cleared the air and the situation was kinda back to normal for both of us. (okay ppl, just ignore this bit if u dont understand it)

then we had to clean the toilet. everyone was going to bed but Sam just felt that the toilet (PE room one) was really too stinky and flooded and thought we should clean it. fine by me. until i saw the underwear and the level of water in the toilet. i was amazed at the whole area. seriously dirty and really stinky. do you know that the girls took 10 minutes or more per person? 3 minutes should have been the max! at the most 5. i tell you, the PLs, ( Alison, Feng Ru, Glad, Renny, Sam and I) were quite annoyed by it. i think they deserve a round of applause for even attempting to clean it. people actually ate chocolate in a stinky toilet. hoo boy. i figured that the sec 1s were going to get it the next morning. and at night? 4.30 in the morning and handphones start to ring their alarm. ring and ring and ring. 6 am wake up, so why set alarm so early and not wake up? 5.30 was really killer, so many handphones ringing. i waited until 6 to sit up and growl. then Gladys screamed at no one in particular to shut the fuck up for the alarms and i added my 2 cents worth. basically i think everyone woke up after that.

i basically came home and slept the whole day away. and oh, the backs of my feet have their skin practically scraped off from the court shoes.

thanks to the people who came for our campfire and the seniors who came down.

okay....Monday

seriously tired. tired is the only word i can use to describe my state of mind today. not just physically tired but i'm getting a freaking migraine.

i just feel so tired i want to just blend into the surrondings and just cease to exist.

there's feelings of tiredness, annoyance, depression, hungar (yes, somehow i'm really hungry all the time today) and guilt.

i want to just take a break and catch my breath. but then i'll feel guilty.

i feel guilty that i'm allowing myself to wallow in self depression which i told myself i shouldn't do.
i feel guilty that i'm even taking a break.
i feel guilty that i'm not even studying or practicing the piano and that i somehow don't give a damn about anything anymore.
i even feel guilty about writing all this down and complaining.

i think i'm just depressed and i can't even find the reason for it.

i hate trying so hard knowing that i won't succeed.
i hate trying to make work something that i know won't work.

i feel like heck caring my obligations and just throw myself off a cliff.

and it doesn't help that i tried to do standing broad jump and my back hurts again. and now i have 4 plasters on the backs of my feet due to the court shoes. i knew i shouldn't have ran in them.

may tomorrow be a better day. haha. that's really a laugh and a half.